Welcome to Motherhood

Welcome to Motherhood

I don't know how I missed it. After two weeks of vacation with a suitcase full of unneeded tampons in anticipation of Aunt Flo, it still never occurred to me. Bigger boobs? They always get swollen around my period. Fatigue? Walking around Manhattan, flying around the states, lounging in the sun, and body surfing. Extreme hunger? The walking and body surfing. My missed period? With my bad luck, of course it'll come when I'm at the beach. But it didn't. 

On the drive home from the airport, my husband nervously asked, "so, you still didn't get your period?"

"No. Why, are you worried?" I answered facetiously. Nevertheless, as soon as we walked in the door, I figured, what the heck? I'll just take a pregnancy test. NBD. 

I didn't even have time to lift that fateful stick out from under me before two lines appeared! Shaking like a leaf, I yelled out to my husband, "Chriiiis! Chriiiiis!"

"I'm in the bathroom!" He yells back.

"It's fucking positive!" I yell out to him.

And that is how my husband found out we were pregnant. Best. Wife. Ever. 

Poor man had two early flights, a drive home, and found out he was going to be a dad all before 10:00am. Calm, cool, and collected he tells me everything will be fine as he heads out the door to go to his first day back at work. I stood baffled amidst piles of laundry in utter shock. Oh. My. God. I'm pregnant?! What if someone hits me while I'm driving? It's not just me anymore! ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod. And then I did a load of laundry.

Convinced the at home pregnancy test was wrong, I took another one about an hour later. Same result. The box must be defective, I rationalized, and called my doctor to schedule a blood test. It's not real until the doctor tells me it's real, right? Those sticks are wrong all the time. 

Later that day, I was driving to get some lunch. Still shaking, I kept thinking, "what if someone hits me?" As I patiently waited in the parking lot behind a stopped car, I noticed the reverse lights turn on in front of me. I honked my horn. The car starts backing up. I honk louder. The car hits me. My mind races,  "what the hell are you doing?! Can't you see I'm pregnant?! Pay attention!!" Calling this incident a fender bender would be a gross exaggeration. My baby was barely the size of a poppy seed, and already I had turned into a full blown mama bear, ready to rip the eyes out of anyone who put me and my baby in harms way. Little did I know that this would be quite the metaphor for what was to come in the big fat lesson of You Can't Control Everything. 

Welcome to Motherhood. The most amazing, frustrating, magnificent, painful, difficult, and beautiful journey you will experience. 

 

"...I didn't even have time to lift that fateful stick out from under me before two lines appeared! Shaking like a leaf, I yelled out to my husband, "Chriiiis! Chriiiiis!....it's fucking positive!"


 Yes, I had actually convinced myself that these two POSITIVE pregnancy tests were probably wrong and that the box was defective. Oh, the humor. For the record, at home pregnancy tests are way more likely to put out a false negative than a false positive. 

Yes, I had actually convinced myself that these two POSITIVE pregnancy tests were probably wrong and that the box was defective. Oh, the humor. For the record, at home pregnancy tests are way more likely to put out a false negative than a false positive. 

The French Library

The French Library

"Because Life is as Complicated as You Make it"

"Because Life is as Complicated as You Make it"

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